that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
