my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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