I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Randomize
