Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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