I accidentally had phone sex last night
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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