both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
