When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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