is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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