I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
