Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
