dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
