Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
