We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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