I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I am puke
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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