They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
