Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
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