I heard we made out
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Randomize