Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
