I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
