can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
She said her name was "party"
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Randomize
