i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Randomize
