I'm so fucking centered right now
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
