I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
