Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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