i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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