I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Randomize
