I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
