i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Semen is not good for contacts.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
