Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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