I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
