Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
