tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
