hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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