Do you still have your period?
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
