why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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