Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
you had me at cake vodka
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Randomize
