If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Randomize