hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize