I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Randomize
