i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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