I feel like abortions should bother me more
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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