We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Dignity is for republicans.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
