advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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