so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Randomize