how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Randomize
