I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
You were trust falling into bushes
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
