I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Randomize
