I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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