oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
