Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
