"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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