The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Randomize