from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
me + whiskey = a bad person
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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