My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
