tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize