when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Randomize
