Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
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